nectar

2011-02-18T03:28:00.001-06:00

i went to seattle and fell in love.

chicago hasnt been the same since i've been back.

i cant wait to return to the northwest.

2011-02-07T02:00:00.000-06:00

love me til my heart stops.
love me til im dead.

2010-12-30T12:13:00.003-06:00

i've been laughing a bit harder...
smiling a bit wider...
and just seeing the world become brighter these days.

who could have thought that the absence of someone can just make you feel better about yourself? when your thoughts are no longer spent on someone you know doesnt deserve them.

the year is almost over. i absolutely hated this year. the only true thing i was happy about was my plan to move and seeing my best friend from new york which all happened the last 2 months.

im hopeful for 2011.

2010-12-25T18:47:00.003-06:00

i've always had a weird feeling about christmas. its just another way of feeling different from the majority of people. something that i've gotten use too, but christmas is always boring because theres really no one to talk too.

i'm starting to become happier little by little. i'm actually at the numb part, where i dont feel happy...but i'm not unhappy either.

i am happy that this year is going to end in 6 days though.

2010-12-21T03:18:00.002-06:00

i'm starting researching of a documentary idea that i have. why is it that i have an idea and i immediately take it part and feel that it might be stupid.

ive never really showed my friends the films ive made. only the few that moved away, that were actually in those films. and when i have discussions about movies its only with a selected few, and i wish i knew why. i have abandoned the idea of filmmaking for the past 2 almost 3 years on the reason of me trying to party my problems away.

i realized that when i move, i want to be sure that i have improved myself. to be in the same city for (what will be) 25 years, and to move to a new city, i'm aware that im giving myself the responsibility to not fuck it up. i dont want to go to bars all the time that i do now. i want to make use of my time, and i feel being in a different city i will be able to do that. i wont be comfortable, i'll feel that i would need to finally feel like apart of a community; hopefully that community being in the film industry.

crossing my fingers.

2010-12-18T13:17:00.003-06:00

"There is a time when we all fail
Some people take it pretty well
some take it all out on themselves
Some, they just take it out on friends
Oh everybody plays the game
And if you don't, you're called insane"

i'm going to start therapy in a week. it's something that i probably needed for a long time. i am only hopeful that i can find a solution...or a relief from what's going on in my head. to think that i am relieved that i can pay someone to hear my thoughts, and help me sort my problems. i just hope i can trust them. i trust my friends all to a certain degree, some more than others. i trust my friends that live in other states more than my newer friends that live here. and my old friends have given me this advice:

1. move out of pilsen (done!)
2. find friends of your own
3. STOP talking to george
4. move out of chicago

i'm still working on it.

2010-12-12T11:32:00.003-06:00

you gave advice to our friend, "if you cant quit her then why try?" and those were the words that probably hit my gut more than anything lately. then when i try and explain why i no longer want to go to pilsen you look me in the eyes and ask "do you still think of me as a negative thing in your life" and i said yes. you looked disappointed and it hit me in the gut again. i always hated disappointing you. i can tell you wish you can change how selfish you were before, played things different in hopes to have a better result than this. you wish to forget the things you did that i would come home to cry too. or the things you said to make me think otherwise from the actions you did. you ache to be loved but too afraid to love anyone else.

it seems like whenever i try and back away, you want me close, you want me to forget how you were in the past because you're striving to be different now. i realized, you dont want to be with me, i get it, but it's confusing to not want to be in a relationship with me, but want confide in me, want me to tell you to be optimistic.

but maybe its the wool over my eyes, but i still look at you and want to love you even more.

why cant i quit you?

2010-11-09T00:52:00.000-06:00

no men 'til 2011.

2010-07-08T10:43:00.002-05:00

Wesley: you have the life of an f scott fitzgerald character

Me: how so

Wesley: kind of secretly dramatic and most of your sadness seems to be fairly easy to remedy but you act as your own worst enemy. but in a way its romantic.

Me: i dont know if i should be happy you said that or upset

#122

2010-05-06T13:41:00.012-05:00

i've lost faith. my insides have hardened and i'm being reminded of how guarded i was before and how much i miss it. the disconnection. no one could look at me and knew what i was feeling.

i don't know if it's a good way of gaining self security in a time where i am not secured in other aspects.

the ending of each story is the same, so what's the point of trying again?

love is for the mature.

#121

2010-05-04T15:31:00.006-05:00

Friend: i think ur putting on a lil shield missy

Me: well duh

Me i have too.

Me: it's been too long.

Friend: well, sometimes certain men are more special than others

Me: george isn't special.

Me: well he is, but he shouldn't be.

Me: he doesn't deserve to be.

#120

2010-05-02T19:22:00.010-05:00

I am twenty-four years old today.

and as I am here, thinking of the things I've been through the past twenty four years; i feel somewhat relieved. I've had a cushion of a life and I am grateful for that.

there has been so many things I've learned when I was twenty-three and I hope it won't stop.

twenty-three challenged me to the fullest extent possible. that my own soul was tested; my emotions, discipline (or lack thereof), my goals, and my outlook on life. twenty-three was the biggest platform of me trying to be myself.

i envy the elderly, or the older i should say. I've always wished to be older, just because i feel that i will learn my life lessons as the years go by, be my own true self.
i would be wise, knowing that in order to get through life you have to fight the battles, learn from it and move on.

i am twenty-four, but I feel as if i've barely had a reason fight until now.

#119

2010-04-24T13:41:00.005-05:00

darkness = light

#118

2010-04-23T13:26:00.001-05:00

sounds about right

#117

2010-04-21T18:48:00.003-05:00

it's appears that i finally made it out. unfortunately it looks like i came out with a few battle scars.

#116

2010-04-19T17:24:00.004-05:00

this is the first day in a very very long time that i actually felt lonely.

#115

2010-04-10T13:23:00.006-05:00

so i move along
and now i'm gone
so gone
now i'm gone
so gone

#114

2010-04-04T16:07:00.006-05:00

my life is in shambles. in the past few months i've lost a relationship and a job.

i'm an insane state of mind. and never realized how jealous i could possibly be until now and i absolutely hate it. insecurities are at an all time high and i don't know how long i can take it.

i use to love the feeling i get when i look at you in the eyes and now i despise it.

jealousy is the worst emotion in the world. besides love.

where's luck when you need it?

#113

2010-01-23T16:11:00.002-06:00

why wont you just let me in?

#112

2010-01-12T11:48:00.003-06:00

People who read this journal must think i'm sort of nutcase. I was hoping that pms stopped happening with me since I havent had it in months, but BAM here it is again. I cant wait until this week is over.

I've been in a bit of a nutshell for the past 7 months, usually because of my life has been pulling me here and there. now i feel like i still have no idea whats going on with the world. is it me being selfish? or just trying to pull more wool over my eyes from the hurtful world around me? i've decided to start buying newspapers, start buying magazines again just to somehow keep in touch with the world.

listen to this:

#111

2010-01-10T22:29:00.005-06:00

maybe its my hormones running, leaving me incredibly emotional last night as well as today.

i've been feeling a bit less of woman the past few days. i almost feel that it's not fair that i get into situations like these, because i lack experience. i feel more pressure rather than just enjoying it, just making it all worse. frustrations, disappointments, and saying such a thing like " i wish you started having sex a long time ago" makes me sink lower in my insecurities than helping all together.

i'm trying all i can to please, and when it comes to me, i feel that i disappoint even more.

it's been a long time since i cried, and i know once i get home and lay under my covers i finally will and for some reason i'm looking forward to it.

at least i know my period is expected this week.

#110

2010-01-02T18:21:00.004-06:00

I guess I spoke too soon. I finally got sick from binge eating for the past 4 days.

to feel full is the worst.

I guess this is a gift hidden in a pile of shit.

#109, my return

2009-12-24T21:45:00.004-06:00

line divides right here. right now. i feel at the end of this year. this specific year, my old life ends and a new one begins. i feel that i have now reached at some part of adulthood at this point. where all these years i've tried to find myself has reached a point of self awareness. within 2009 i felt that i was limitless but limited. limitless on the things that i wanted to do or achieve, but limited to the point of me..myself of getting to some point of completeness. throughout this year i have pushed myself to the point of just realizing that i am the only person looking out for..well at least full-heartedly.

i change things. while i use to think that fate did it for me. i felt that i relied so much on thinking that things will just happen, that i almost became lazy the past 6 months. my plans are slowly going to effect when it comes to where i will be at the end of 2010.

hopefully not here. i rather be elsewhere in the new decade.

#108

2009-12-03T01:03:00.006-06:00

you were watching me sleep today, i opened my eyes and saw your eyes looking right into mine. i smiled and you turned away. i love when your clear blue eyes meet mine. it took some time until it made me content and not worried.

i wonder if you were thinking the same things as i was when i watch you sleep.

did you mean to stare?

it seems the moments where i think ive finally got you, i dont. and lately i've been thinking i won't. there is still a wall on my side as well as yours, i just see mine crumbling a little quicker than yours. your wall is up from past experiences, and my wall is up because of new ones.

it's been some time now and i dont know if i can just be the girl you're seeing, and not the girl you're with.

it's like ive been trying to prove to you that i am worth being with, and its now making me fall into my pool of insecurities.

have you tried to prove anything? i feel like i'm getting the short end of the stick.

#107

2009-10-13T01:53:00.003-05:00

i wish my mother and i had a closer relationship.

for a long time i always wondered why i chose not to be close with my mother, i usually blame it on her judging me every time i see her.

not too long ago, i confessed the very reason why i lost all trust in her. she forgot it all. she forgot the moment that i probably needed her the most. she was crushed and i knew that. she was crushed that she forgot, and she stared at me, not knowing exactly what to do but apologized and then she hugged me. i thought that finally telling her would make us have a clean slate. but it was years, over 10 years too late.

she hugged me and i felt nothing. if anything the only thing in my mind was waiting for the moment she would stop touching me.

how could a loving daughter not like her mother?